Since I've returned home, I've spent a little time going through my
inbox hoping to purge old bits and pieces. I found this. Full credit
goes to Michael for this piece, which he claims he wrote in 3 hours at work in 2006.
"After painstaking research and much intense deliberation, I henceforth present my findings on the subject of Lion-o, Lord of the Thundercats vs.
He-man of Castle Greyskull.
To start, I must emphasize the utter ridiculousness of such a proposition;
everyone knows that these cartoon characters do not exist on the same
planet. It is an indisputable fact that Lion-o is an inhabitant of the
planet Third Earth, a realm existing slightly to the future of ours, and of
parallel to that of the hobbit. In fact, it is widely accepted that the
climate is not unlike that of the Middle-Earthian Shire. Both have proven
ideal in supporting hairy anthropomorphic life forms. For that reason
alone, Third-Earth shall henceforth be referred to as the wussy planet with
all the pussycats.
He-man, conversely, valiantly roams Eternia protecting the immense power of
Castle Greyskull from the forces of evil. After he has spent the day
courageously and benevolently shit-kicking all the evil down in the dark
hemisphere, he resumes the noble role of Prince of Eternia. Here we also
see, in contrast to Lion-o, a feline having no complex about the size of his
manhood. Battlecat cunningly presumes the meek role of Cringer, where he
will lull all that is evil into a false security, setting them up for a
repetition of this day's shit-kicking, tomorrow.
At this point I shall present an objective and balanced critique of their
powers. He-man, of Castle Greyskull draws his power from a damn cool
castle, shaped like a skull. He also has the ability to talk to the
Sorceress of Greyskull using only his mind - that's telecommunication, Kyle.
Furthermore, He-man shows undeniable similarity* to MI6 secret agent Sir
Sean Connery (henceforth reverently referred to as He) who, using a
combination of multi-variable calculus and a Schrodinger's equation, has
been mathematically proven to be the coolest guy ever. Also, and this may
be the coup de grâce, He-man has a green tiger. Simply put, by the power of
Greyskull, He-man is The-man.
*Figure 1:
He-man has Man-at-Arms to develop wicked-cool new weapons
He-man is a prince in his spare time
He-man is rather muscular, with manly-handsome hair
He-man always prevails over evil, and has a pussycat
He has Q
He is a knight
There is no disputing the manly-handsomeness of Him
He always prevails and ends up with a woman called Octopussy, Pussy Galore, or Holly Goodhead.
Lion-o, for his part, fits the technical definition of freak of nature. A
child wandering around in an adult's body, he feels the need to compensate
for this shortcoming (though most definitely not his only shortcoming) with
his sword. According to the world's foremost authority on everything and
infinitely accurate resource, Wikipedia, “When unused, the sword is no
larger than a dagger. But when excited it will extend to full size. Also,
by pointing the sword in any direction and using a battle cry of "HO!", the
sword is able to fire devastating energy blasts.” This overt phallic
compensation leads us to the important question of whether the Thundercats
would cease to exist if not for that sheltered, wussy pussycat world of
theirs. To an analytical mind it would seem the driving factor behind this
team would disappear in a technologically advanced world such as ours, where
"fast and proven methods of penile-enlargement" and "wet, naughty
schoolgirls" arrive in our email on a thrice-daily basis. To the unbiased,
scientific mind the answer to this conundrum, and possibly the resolution to
the unending war on Third-Earth, could be gleamed from the wisdom of Dr.
Phil: “Anger is nothing more than an outward expression of hurt, fear and
frustration.” Supplementary to the latter, it is of curious importance to
note that Lion-o's company seems to be predominately male. But before we
start to lose our objectivity, we must finish our scientific look at Lion-o.
He seems to always have in his possession a pretty little jewel, to which
he credits all of his strength. This, it shall be observed, is not
necessarily a unique weakness. It is, in fact, a plight suffered by many of
history’s great warriors from the likes of Samson, to Golem, to Linus Van
Pelt. To sum him up, Lion-o puts the pussy in pussycat.
In conclusion, I propose that if these two forces ever came across each
other in battle it would look something like a Shamrock-Ortiz fight,
specifically the second and third editions. Furthermore, I propose He-man,
the valiant and just warrior that he is, would not accept battle from an
anthropomorphic freak of nature. A statistical analysis of the situation
reveals the most probable outcome is Battlecat engaging Lion-o in a fight to
the pain, and finishing said fight in approximately 3 seconds of pure
awesome.
Q.E.D"
