“There's a race of men that don't fit in, A race that can't sit still; So they break the hearts of kith and kin, And they roam the world at will. They range the field and rove the flood, And they climb the mountain's crest; Their's is the curse of the gypsy blood, And they don't know how to rest.”
- Robert Service

Tuesday, 13 May 2014

Lion-o, Lord of the Thundercats vs. He-man of Castle Greyskull‏

Since I've returned home, I've spent a little time going through my 
inbox hoping to purge old bits and pieces. I found this. Full credit 
goes to Michael for this piece, which he claims he wrote in 3 hours at work in 2006.
"After painstaking research and much intense deliberation, I henceforth
present my findings on the subject of Lion-o, Lord of the Thundercats vs.
He-man of Castle Greyskull.
To start, I must emphasize the utter ridiculousness of such a proposition; 
everyone knows that these cartoon characters do not exist on the same 
planet.  It is an indisputable fact that Lion-o is an inhabitant of the 
planet Third Earth, a realm existing slightly to the future of ours, and of 
parallel to that of the hobbit.  In fact, it is widely accepted that the 
climate is not unlike that of the Middle-Earthian Shire.  Both have proven 
ideal in supporting hairy anthropomorphic life forms.  For that reason 
alone, Third-Earth shall henceforth be referred to as the wussy planet with 
all the pussycats.
He-man, conversely, valiantly roams Eternia protecting the immense power of 
Castle Greyskull from the forces of evil.  After he has spent the day 
courageously and benevolently shit-kicking all the evil down in the dark 
hemisphere, he resumes the noble role of Prince of Eternia.  Here we also 
see, in contrast to Lion-o, a feline having no complex about the size of his 
manhood.  Battlecat cunningly presumes the meek role of Cringer, where he 
will lull all that is evil into a false security, setting them up for a 
repetition of this day's shit-kicking, tomorrow.
At this point I shall present an objective and balanced critique of their 
powers.  He-man, of Castle Greyskull draws his power from a damn cool 
castle, shaped like a skull.  He also has the ability to talk to the 
Sorceress of Greyskull using only his mind - that's telecommunication, Kyle.
Furthermore, He-man shows undeniable similarity* to MI6 secret agent Sir 
Sean Connery (henceforth reverently referred to as He) who, using a 
combination of multi-variable calculus and a Schrodinger's equation, has 
been mathematically proven to be the coolest guy ever.  Also, and this may 
be the coup de grĂ¢ce, He-man has a green tiger.  Simply put, by the power of 
Greyskull, He-man is The-man.
*Figure 1:

He-man has Man-at-Arms to develop wicked-cool new weapons     
He-man is a prince in his spare time                                            
He-man is rather muscular, with manly-handsome hair                  
He-man always prevails over evil, and has a pussycat                    
He has Q 
He is a knight
There is no disputing the manly-handsomeness of Him 
He always prevails and ends up with a woman called Octopussy, Pussy Galore, or Holly Goodhead.
Lion-o, for his part, fits the technical definition of freak of nature.  A 
child wandering around in an adult's body, he feels the need to compensate 
for this shortcoming (though most definitely not his only shortcoming) with 
his sword.  According to the world's foremost authority on everything and 
infinitely accurate resource, Wikipedia, “When unused, the sword is no 
larger than a dagger.  But when excited it will extend to full size.  Also, 
by pointing the sword in any direction and using a battle cry of "HO!", the 
sword is able to fire devastating energy blasts.”  This overt phallic 
compensation leads us to the important question of whether the Thundercats 
would cease to exist if not for that sheltered, wussy pussycat world of 
theirs.  To an analytical mind it would seem the driving factor behind this 
team would disappear in a technologically advanced world such as ours, where 
"fast and proven methods of penile-enlargement" and "wet, naughty 
schoolgirls" arrive in our email on a thrice-daily basis.  To the unbiased, 
scientific mind the answer to this conundrum, and possibly the resolution to 
the unending war on Third-Earth, could be gleamed from the wisdom of Dr. 
Phil: “Anger is nothing more than an outward expression of hurt, fear and 
frustration.”  Supplementary to the latter, it is of curious importance to 
note that Lion-o's company seems to be predominately male.  But before we 
start to lose our objectivity, we must finish our scientific look at Lion-o. 
  He seems to always have in his possession a pretty little jewel, to which 
he credits all of his strength.  This, it shall be observed, is not 
necessarily a unique weakness.  It is, in fact, a plight suffered by many of 
history’s great warriors from the likes of Samson, to Golem, to Linus Van 
Pelt.  To sum him up, Lion-o puts the pussy in pussycat.
In conclusion, I propose that if these two forces ever came across each 
other in battle it would look something like a Shamrock-Ortiz fight, 
specifically the second and third editions.  Furthermore, I propose He-man, 
the valiant and just warrior that he is, would not accept battle from an 
anthropomorphic freak of nature.  A statistical analysis of the situation 
reveals the most probable outcome is Battlecat engaging Lion-o in a fight to 
the pain, and finishing said fight in approximately 3 seconds of pure